What you don't see

We interact with people every day, and most of the time dont know that it may be being faced.

That young lady you chat with on the bus to work: after being married for a year and six months is just starting to wonder after trying for 6 month if there may be something wrong.
The happy go lucky customer you chat with at work: he just found out that his wife has PCOS and endometriosis after two years of trying. 
That young couple that sits next to you at church: they've been trying for yrs now and just recently got the news that the husband's sperm count is finally normal but they still can't seem to get pregnant.
On that day you realize: that young lady isn't as chatty as normal,  the customer doesn't have a smile on his face,  and the wife that always loved on your kid can barley look at your kids let alone love on them. 
Infertility.
All of this is the face of it. All of this is the mask we put on to hide.
It's not talked about.  But it is devistation to the core; it's an inability to get up in the morning and smile. It's that broken point when you know and believe with all of your being that God is good, that He Loves you beyond all measure,  and that in His timing all things come, but you sit and wonder where He is in all this. It's the broken point when: 'It'll happen', 'Just stop trying', 'God's timing is perfect' etc. from a person who loves you, and may even love God, all solicit the same response from your inner being: as politely as possible,  is to just tell them to be quiet.  If that's all they can say, then please just don't. Just....leave me alone.
But you don't.  You just sit and cry quietly.  And with every new cycle that a baby is not on the way, a bigger piece of you and your husband dies. The promise of Scripture falls further and further away.  Church, work, and every day life becomes like trying to walk on scorching hot,  broken glass. And its cost: treatments and testing are only part of it. The emotional drain is debilitating and trying to fake happy is even more debilitating.  Sleep becomes a demand and the escape all at once. Life is the nightmare that you cant wake up from. Infertility shakes the faith.
At least it has mine. Ive been through a lot in life, though I won't claim I've been through as much as others I know. But in ALL that ive been through,  Ive never had my faith shaken like I am right now. I KNOW with every fiber of my being and believe just the same: God IS good. All things work together for good to them that love God (Rom. 8:28) God's timing is perfect and fankly the only timing. And that God knows my hurt and sees every tear. But my heart is only human, and it currently is beyond shattered.  Where is God? Where is the good? 
A dear friend of mine who has walked the path I am walking told me this today when I asked her how she handled the 'just shut up' moments almost 19 years ago.  She told me this: cry out to God. pray the psalms. They complain, they ask why, they lay it all out honestly but they also worship and praise and express thankfulness. She reminded me that God IS near and that He cared enough about me to give me the Psalms in my time of devistation. 

​-Jen